How To Be A Fob In Ten Easy Steps

This was the very first article I ever wrote for the world to read. It appeared in my old, now-defunct site (which is why I’m here at WordPress) called </afterthought>. This was originally posted on August 27, 2005. To date, it’s my favourite post of all-time. Almost three years later, I am still quite amazed at how damn cynical I can be.

I had to write this out of spite. I’m Chinese, but I strongly dislike fobs with a passion. You’ll see why.

Fob = Fresh Off the Boat

一) Unlearn your English, or at least lost the grammars and accent. You have to know more Cantonese than any other language. Make sure you know all profane and rude expressions in Chinese.

二) You need the proper shoes:

• Nikes (fake if you wish…try to stick to Air Force Ones - Lows, but Highs are acceptable as well)
• Converse All-Stars (fake Chuck Taylors if you can find them, if not then a fobbish-coloured pair will do)
• Vans (DO NOT wear these if you can skate or know anything remotely close to skateboarding)

三) Die your hair brownish, maroonish, or if you want the true touch, go blonde.

四) You must have the correct social lifestyle: Do you spend more time at home than out drinking bubble tea with your friends? If so, NOT GOOD. P-Mall (that’s Pacific Mall for you “fob noobs”), or any other place loaded with fobs is the way to go. Travel to HK (Hong Kong) at least once every two years, and make sure you buy lots of clothes and electronics there, too.

五) Watch anime. Tons of it. Be obsessed with Japanese anything. Music. TV Shows. Food. Cars. Even if your parents are Chinese immigrants and they hate Japs with a passion, and they try to encourage you to boycott Japanese products because of the atrocities they committed during the war. Screw your parents, your fob friends is where it’s at (see #4).

六) Buy a Toyota:

• Camrys and Corollas are the best (CE models mostly)
• If you happen to own a Sienna, make sure there is at least one dent in one or more bumpers (corners if possible)

七) Or, if you want to show off your massive bank account (or lack thereof, but that’s another point), buy either:

• Mercedes-Benz
• BMW
• Lexus

It’s best to stick to lower-class models, for the sake of your wallet.

八) This point is the most important of all: YOU MUST, I REPEAT MUST, HAVE IMPECCABLE DRIVING SKILLS:

• Brake at green lights (or slow down considerably)
• Take at least 15 mins or 15 turns to park in a regular parking spot
• When stopping at the lights or whatever, make sure the distance between you and the car in front of you is about your car length, if not double
• Never, EVER drive at the speed limit or faster (the make of the car is proportional to the traveling speed; as in, the more expensive the car the slower the speed)
• If you own an SUV, drive very slowly and weave once in a while
• The more prestige your vehicle, the BETTER a driver you must be; you must show everyone that you are excellent at handling your car (note: sarcasm)

In addition to being the poster boy (or girl) driver for all fobs, make sure you add sick (sick as in shitty) body kits and huge mufflers (or just puncture them, makes the same sound anyway), and accelerate quite slowly to show off the absolutely mind-boggling performance of your car. And don’t forget to add “Type-R” and “Mugen” stickers, along with stickers sporting obsolete so-called “car-tuning” websites. If stickers aren’t your thing and if you have a very low self-esteem, add a Ferrari, Lamborghini, Mercedes, and/or BMW logo to the front and/or back of your rice rocket. And last but not least, you must have Japanese ornaments cluttering your car, covering every single spot of the bottom of the windshields (back and front), and also big fluffy things hanging from the rearview mirror. Oh I almost forgot…try to cover your car seats; anything will do, from Saran wrap to metal sheets.

Always remember: your car and your driving skills are the most important steps to becoming a true fob.

九) Always be rich, or if you can’t (like most other fobs), ACT like it. Buy a nice car of course. Buy a big house that looks like a royal mansion on the outside, but crap on the inside. Well, you could keep it nice on the inside as well, but what’s the point? It’s not like those friends you’re trying to impress will see, right? Right.

十) And the final step…act like you know EVERYTHING! (Wait a sec…did I say “act”??? Damn, I’m stupid, I meant to say “KNOW EVERYTHING!”) When talking to your friends, make sure you have the final say in whatever conversation they’re engaged in. When “helping” others, don’t be patient and polite and guide them in solving their problem, but rather you must say “You idiot! Let ME show you how it’s done”, then tsk them and solve the problem for them, without letting them try to solve it on their own. Remember, you’re always smarter, more experienced, and just plain BETTER than them. It doesn’t matter if they encounter the same problem again in the future and they still can’t solve it because you did it for them; if you want, just question their intelligence a bit more and do it again for them, because YOU know best how to do it, NOT them. Knowing everything also involves insulting others and putting them down, because when they fall you RISE!

And that’s it…ten nice and easy steps to becoming a true fob straight from HK. Thanks me in the future when you is respect by all your fob friends.
________

For your information, I’m not being racist against Chinese people. I AM Chinese. There are many respectful Chinese whose lives don’t revolve around drinking bubble tea and pimpin’ around in their “souped-up” Honda Civics with the Type-R logo (wtf…only Acuras can be Type-R-ed in North America, you idiot posers). No, these self-respecting Chinese drink expensive Ginseng tea and drive FAST and PROPERLY (as in they honk rather than being honked at). These are the Chinese who deserve to drive expensive cars. Hell, even some of them are more proficient at English than the average North American. I hate fobs (”strongly dislike” takes too much effort to type). They’re just a bunch of spoiled kids or wives who have fathers/husbands working overtime like hell in Hong Kong just so their poser and/or snobbish families can spend all the money they want. Nowadays, fob kids are either HK-lovers or “gangsta” (the latter is worse because when they wear oversized clothes and shoes they look like…there’s not even a word to describe the hilarity. It’s even worse when girls dress in oversized men’s clothing…I don’t see how either is appealing, but oh well, I guess I’m not “Asian” enough), it is simply disgraceful.

What is this world coming to…?

P.S. [sic] to all my errors of grammar.

P.P.S. If you do not wish to meet a fob, STAY AWAY FROM THE TRIANGLE OF FOB (see map), which is the P-Mall area (located on Steeles, between Kennedy and Old Kennedy)!

(click for full-size)